On Purpose: Full of Joy

"Comparison is the thief of joy."

—Theodore Roosevelt—

Whether I like to admit it or not, I compare myself to other people daily. Social media makes it really easy, but so does real life. For me, I often notice: the way people carry themselves and what they might be feeling, who is listened to and who is ignored, the ways people spend their money based on what they present to the world (on-or-off-line), who gets the answer right, who gets the laughs, and who gets the attention. I also notice who is attached and who isn't. Who cares about their health, environment, the type of tribe they belong to and who doesn't.

My list goes on and on...

What's your list like? What would you include that stands out most about what you notice?

More than not, these noticings are subconscious and under the radar, but I've been making an effort to notice my noticing more and more over the years. It's quite amazing to gain an understanding of how much time and energy I actually spend comparing as I notice. Even more astounding, is the level of engagement these comparisons actually steal from the rest of my life.

It's not that noticing is bad. In fact, we learn a lot about how to respond to any given situation by noticing the people, place and the happenings therein. But when we process what we notice in a way that leads us to view ourselves as higher than another person or lower than another person, Cloud and Townsend call this positioning "one up/one down," we're in trouble.

First, it's a boundary issue. Each of us is made uniquely and therefore, offer the world a wonderful variety of thoughts, resources and personal expressions that make life richer for us all. Choosing to see someone as higher or lower than ourselves means that we're either diminishing ourselves or another. We're saying, on the one hand, "You're more valuable than me" or, on the other, "I'm more valuable than you." The truth is, every one of us is valuable beyond measure and comparison steals the beauty of the unique and necessary role each person plays in the world.

Second, spending time and energy comparing means we have employed those same resources in a way that produced well, what exactly?... Fear, anxiety, depression, pride, shame, isolation, and anger are on my short list. What about yours? How has that turned out for you?

Comparison has been a bad friend to me over the years. It has stirred up feelings of self-doubt, attacked my confidence, invited a belief that I don't belong, and more. Comparison has helped me build tall walls between myself and others. It has left me isolated and alone once those walls were built. Comparison has lied to me, telling me how I'm not enough, I'll never be good enough, or equally as terrible, that I'm better than... 

When I live with a posture to compare, I miss giving my all to living my purpose, on purpose. When I'm focused on what I have and don't have, I miss out on utilizing that cherished time and energy creating, cultivating and investing in people and projects that will move the vision and mission forward today. When I compare myself to others, I miss simply enjoying them for who they are! Instead of sizing them up, I could just be their friend. What a change that would be in the world...

The thing is, the world needs us to live on purpose and encourage those in our path to do the same! When we know who we're made to be and how we're to live that out, we can freely offer our gifts and talents to the world and create the solutions we so desperately need today.

And, I'll tell you what, joy is a natural by-product of a life lived on purpose. When we end that awful friendship with Comparison, the joy that flows out of us creates momentum in and around us. When we're focused on living our best life, we will embrace others for who they are and encourage them to do the same. We're not worried about being one up or one down, rather we're focused on making our very best contribution and automatically positioned to help someone else make theirs. 

So... In the past 24 hours:

• Have you compared yourself to someone else?
• Whom?
• What did you notice about them in the comparison? 
• What thoughts or feelings about yourself surfaced as you processed what you noticed?
• Were they positive or negative thoughts or feelings?
• What happened after you had the thought(s) or feeling(s)?
• Did it help you or harm you?
• Did it help them or harm them?
• What might this interaction have to do with living your purpose?

Let's move forward into a life of purpose and joy, shall we? I promise it's astonishingly lovely there. There's nothing quite like it, after all... 

On Purpose: Getting Lost

"Are you a workaholic?" A newer friend asked with sincerity in the middle of a party.

"No, but I used to be..." I replied.

We were sitting on the sofa in our friend's house catching up a bit when the conversation went deep. I like deep, so I was in my element.

"It's really just a busy season and I knew it was coming. Now that I'm in it, I'm noticing how long my days are and how much capacity I have to accomplish again. But I am tired right now. It's a lot." I added.

She nodded and I continued, "Busy is different than what it used to be because my motives have changed as I've gotten into the roots of why I did what I did back then..."

You could say I was lost for a long time and a few years back, I began to find my footing again. I've been reflecting on this conversation as I prepared to write for the week, considering what it means to be where I am now versus where I was then.

From where I sit now, it seems I had to get lost in my work to discover who I am and what I was really made for in this life. I have an appreciation for the years I lived focusing on what people thought of me and the seasons when proving myself worthy was a way of life. I have compassion for myself in the places where I experienced gaps in real areas of need like being loved and belonging. It's fascinating to uncover what we do to fill in our own gaps in this life... And perhaps more so, amazing to learn how even the bad can shape us for good as we heal and move forward.

These days getting lost has taken on new meaning for me. Once my motives were identified and ironed out through a lot of personal transformation, I started imagining a future I knew I wanted but never knew how to cultivate. Of course, it's still a process, but getting lost here has looked a whole lot like trying new things. For one, when I left the non-profit world almost four years ago, I focused my business consultancy in a 'project management' direction and set aside major time to write the draft of my first full book manuscript. Within the first year and a half I understood that while I was employing skills that came naturally to me, I wasn't thoroughly enjoying most of the work I was taking on. It was risky to pivot my business to focus more in areas of strength and passion but I reached a point where it was more painful to stay the same than to pivot. While I'm still working hard to grow it, I can't express how worthwhile it has been to make the changes I've made. 

Getting lost has also meant that I've taken on side roles that met specific needs for me along the way. It has been so freeing to choose what I've needed instead of letting a role define me or my value. I took one position because the projects I'd taken on at the time had me working alone often. As an extrovert, I was experiencing a huge deficit in energy level which was actually negatively affecting my work. So, I opted to give quite a number of hours weekly in a job that didn't pay much, but afforded me the opportunity to work with people all of the time! While I was there, I gained insight into their organizational structure and what worked well and what didn't work well. I learned a ton. It helped me and I hope it helped them to have me there.

In another role I've recently stepped into on an interim basis, I'm learning a whole new skill set in business—accounting. Truth be told, this particular area feels like the antithesis to my natural wiring. In college, I felt like I was pretty terrible at it, actually. My grades were mediocre, at best, and I didn't think I had a knack for being able to understand it. Coursework in accounting was required to attain my marketing degree, so I couldn't avoid it. And, here I am 17.5 years later, working in a capacity where I'm learning pieces of it more intentionally. Life is funny... This might sound strange, but It's actually awesome to be in over my head. I know the work I'm doing now will help me in the future as I learn this new 'language' and better understand structural considerations for billing, payments, vendors, systems and more. It's pretty wonderful, actually (even on the days when I totally mess something up).

Getting lost here, in these side roles, has been an important piece in my journey forward. The intentionality required to get lost in order to move forward and have needs met is key. Who knows where we'll be a few years, after all? But what if we focus on what's in front of us, serving others and growing as people? A lot of good can come from putting ourselves in places and positions that are needed today—for ourselves and for others.

So...

• Have you gotten lost lately?
• What does it look like for you?
• Is it helping you to stay stuck or to move forward?

On Purpose: Making It

"If you're not doing something you're passionate about, bring your passion into it."

—John Rivers—

A few weeks ago, I went to hear a local entrepreneur share his story on the journey into his purpose. My head ached a bit from nodding in agreement for the full hour—let's just say that I resonated deeply with his story. He shared poignant insights, including the quote above, about what it takes to make it into our purpose. It was so encouraging to hear someone who changed careers, after decades in his last, unpack how he landed right where he was meant to be. 

The main messages I felt freshly encouraged by from his talk were these:

• Often, we're motivated by realities that are in direct opposition to our actual purpose (e.g. money, security, incongruent outlook on success, etc).
• Learning ourselves takes time, but we may just find that we also know ourselves pretty well already if we're willing to take a good look in the mirror.
• Who we were in our childhood isn't so different than who we're meant to become as adults.

The truth is, we may not be currently living our exact purpose in the way it will unfold over the course of our lives. But, that doesn't mean that we cannot bring meaning and hope to our days. In fact, when we have clarity on what we're made for, we can actually inject that purpose right where we're living.

For example, when I was little I loved being with my friends, talking and looking pretty. I laugh at the latter because, well, what in the world? BUT, the truth is, a beautiful aesthetic is still of great value to me, both as a person and in the way I develop my surroundings. I love to be with people and hear their stories. It brings me joy to be helpful by seeing the people in front of me and drawing connections between who they are and how they matter to the world. People, conversation, and beauty are foundational pieces of my life today. And while I've developed a lot of clarity on my purpose over the years, simply having these three pieces of understanding to "run with" enable me to focus well in my days—they're a great launching point. 

We've talked before about the small steps it takes to achieve our goals and dreams. Living our life's purpose is not separate from this reality. We must start somewhere. Identifying what motivates and encourages us, what bothers us and what brings us life will provide a foundational understanding of where we're headed. And when we're striving for our more and taking care of ourselves along the way, we also must consider what is true of our lives in the present.

A great friend provided helpful advice for me in my early twenties. She said I ought to try as many things as possible in my career and curated experiences, in particular. It was time to explore and better learn about me. In my early thirties I had a much better understanding of who I was, but honestly, the wins and failures I'd experienced in my twenties taught me lessons that, in turn, soured my motivations. They became skewed by what I thought success should be in my life based on a pretty insecure foundation. I had these ideas of how I wanted to be viewed and what my contributions ought to mean to others. In the process, I really lost sight of who I was and who I wanted to become in vital ways. Good advice paired with an insecure me taught me a lot... 

Like John Rivers, I had an awakening but my path still wasn't clear. Over the past five to seven years, I've developed a deeper contentment with not knowing how it all turns out because I've learned who I want to be. I now know that I'm investing well in that bright future. Each step brings deeper clarity and understanding. Every new turn in the road feels like an adventure, not a new piece of uncertainty. 

My favorite phrase for my own journey has become this: Life is a great adventure! I say it as often as possible to remind myself of my choice in outlook. I've been learning to embrace what I don't know as an opportunity for learning and transformation. 

Truth be told, most days I mean it and some days are still hard. I find that no matter how happy we are about who we're becoming, from time to time we're going to encounter circumstances that challenge our contentment and hope. But, we don't make it into our purpose without challenges. We make it there by reminding ourselves of the truth and staying the course. (It also doesn't hurt to surround ourselves with people who tell us the truth on our dark days, too...) To do all of this, we have to know what the goal of the course is... After all, if we haven't defined who we're becoming, it's going to be hard to stay committed in the hard times.

And for the record, I really believe you're going to make it. I'm rooting for you. Please let me know when you'd like my help along the way.

So...

• Do you know what you were made for and what it will take for you to become that person?
• Have you ever thought about what you liked to do as a child and how that applies to life today?
• Are the current realities of your life aligned with who you want to be long-term?

Storms: Onward

Image:  Photo by Max Langelott on Unsplash

The storm has come. It has passed. We've taken initial stock of what transpired as a result. We have rested and reflected. And now, onward... But what does that really mean?

One consistent thread I've noticed throughout my life is how from one storm to the next, I've figured out how to move forward. Life goes on, right? But I haven't always moved through the pieces of my experience in health or to fully heal. I used to live under a banner that said, "Get over it." This perspective set me into behavior where I "stuffed" what was real and didn't allow myself the space I needed to truly move forward as the storm wrapped up. Have you ever been there? You're over any thought of the storm and all you want to do is pick up the pieces and get out of there? BUT... 

• What if the storms we face in our lives actually position us to move onward into the best of lands?
• What if we glean from our experiences and allow them to transform us for the better?
• What if hope reigns and we put disappointment and any defeat imposed upon us in the wake of the storm away from us? 

It's not to say that we invalidate our experiences. No, not in the least. In fact, without looking deeply into what a storm triggered in us, took from us and how it has shaped us, we would miss the treasure altogether. But what if we legitimately decide that storms have no power to define us in any way that steals life and hope from us moving forward? 

Maybe it seems ridiculous or naive to live with this perspective. Perhaps you're not sure how to walk in this as your reality. If there's one thing I continue to learn over and over and over again in this life, it's that there's always another layer to uncover in my process of growth and transformation. Change occurs one step at a time, after all. To me, this is how we get to the place where we weather the storm in health and rest and ready ourselves for the "Onward!" 

At the end of the day, what it comes down to is our belief systems. If we give power to the storms we face in this life to devastate us, they will. It's not that life isn't filled with devastating circumstances. It's about our willingness and ability to be devastated by them. We are profound creatures. Our make-up is one of strength and courage. What we set our minds to, for good or bad, we achieve. Our perspectives literally shape our world!! 

And, instead of "handling" a storm by blaming our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors on our circumstances, what if we learned to take responsibility for them despite our circumstances? By taking responsibility for our response to what's happening (or what has happened), we tend to focus more on what we can do to move forward. We get creative, we develop solutions, we seek help, we heal. Plus, we are less likely to hurt the people around us as we navigate our way forward.

It's important to pause here and say: Sometimes we're literally in survival mode and don't have the capacity to sort through all of these layers, though. If you're there, it's okay. This just isn't the last word for you. You may need to come back when you're more fully rested to take a look at what your experience meant to you and go from there. It's a process...

Our individual journeys through each storm will be shaped by the growth and transformation experienced in the last. If we allow it, we grow stronger each time a new storm passes. Our feelings and experiences are valid. We just cannot allow them to rule us. I think we can learn this well over time. It also never hurts to have people in our lives who love us and are willing to tell us the truth. They are beacons of hope who can point out valuable "noticings" to us about our own experience and responses. When we think of moving onward, bringing them into dialogue about what that means and how that might look can be an invaluable decision.

So...

• Will you allow the storms in your life to position you to step into the best of lands by believing that the best is yet to come despite present circumstances?
• Will you allow the storms in your life to shape you for the better by allowing your character to be shaped and molded for the positive in the experience?
• Will you stay in hope by refusing to befriend disappointment and any suggestion that this storm marks your defeat as a person?

Let's dig deep into our experiences. Let's take responsibility for our responses. Let's heal for real. ONWARD.